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When you get mad, what calms you down?

Jun 18, 2011

©2004-2011 ~S-Pan

I have been so angry lately, a trait that has never really been an issue for me in the past, but is becoming more and more difficult to deal with.  Because depression is often defined as “anger turned inward”, I guess I’ve always just opted for the depression thing. I’m better at that.  But the more evident it becomes that I am powerless to change the things that anger me, the more I find my inward filling to capacity and unwanted emotions spilling outward.

So I snap at people. I avoid people. I try to avoid myself. Guilt soon crashes my anger party because I’m a Christian woman who is unable to find or keep the peace that I know God offers and I know is experienced by others. I should know how to do this; I should know how to cope. But I don’t. And then, I become even more angry… at myself.

Right now, my anger has made it necessary for me to hide in my bedroom away from everyone, including my brother-in-law who is visiting from Chicago. I get two days notice and then he’s here, at my messy house, for 3 days. We haven’t seen him for about a year, but worse than that, he hasn’t seen me for just as long. During this time, I have become sicker; my ability to keep the house clean has become increasingly hindered; I have lost 2 more teeth – a fact I hope to keep hidden by smiling very little and, if the occasion arises, to laugh politely while covering my mouth  (Think: Geisha Girl ).  Perhaps worst of all, I am so much fatter than the last time he saw me because I continue to gain weight for reasons my doctors cannot identify.  Since I never wear shorts and only wear t-shirts with sleeves that extend down to my elbow, I am always warmer and crankier than everyone else in this hot house that lacks central air.

The bedroom is safe. The bedroom is air-conditioned.  The bedroom is closer to the bathroom – always something I need to be concerned about.  No one can look at me while I’m here in the bedroom and I can’t see all the things that need to be cleaned… and then stress over it. It’s easier to lie to myself about my life and easier to believe some of those lies when I’m in here.

But hiding is not enough; still, I am mad.

Today is the anniversary of the day my husband and I first laid eyes on each other. It is a date we have remembered and celebrated every year, but one that he has apparently forgotten today. Perhaps it’s for the best that he not remember the healthy, much thinner, attractive woman (who still had the majority of her teeth); the woman who was wearing short flouncy skorts, a sports bra, a tan and a broad smile. It’s probably better he not allow himself to think about who I used to be and how much fun we used to have when I was able to participate in the activities we once enjoyed doing together.

He and his brother went on a long bike ride today – something I was once able to do, but now I just glance at my still nearly-new bike in the garage and pretend I believe myself when I think, “someday…”

And the anger intensifies.  No, no, no… it’s not fair!  I throw a little tantrum in my bedroom sanctuary. I cry tears of anger more than sadness and make a mental note of how much uglier I look when I cry. I honestly don’t know what to do to feel calm or break free from this runaway train of thought that always leads to anger. So I resort to my trusty Xanax. It takes the edge off and, at some point soon, I should be asleep. Barring any dreams that mimic reality, I will then be calm and free of any anger… and blissfully unaware that I let it get the best of me again.

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4 comments

  1. Sorry hear of your going through such a bad time “HOWEVER” it not as bad as you think.

    What is happening with your depression is your brain is going through structual changes.

    Structural changes that will enable your brain in holding as understanding as experiencing
    far more than were capable of holding // thus don’t be so dispairing / in reality your a winner.

    A few words on depression// its result is a chemical released from the brain / which aids you
    through the changes // much as one puts a plaster on a broken leg to help / aid their healing.

    Something you should know about depression / dont try to run from it / dont try to hide from it..

    Rather embrace it / doing so you will find it a rich deep comforting experience /// HOWEVER
    don’t get too loving with it // as your brain ending its procss of change the depression will fade
    as go your memory of it will just fade to nothing . If you get too fond of your depression when it
    starts fade you’ll go to the doctor saying “my depression is going” I don’t want to lose it / HELP.

    Thus embrace your depression // but use caution dont get too fond of it / it must as will depart.

    In reading your words / I get the sense your depression / in having peaked / and is in a process
    of leaving as your healing approaching its final stages. Increased anger a clear sign its ending
    in anger your but putting the system through its testing. /// The anger stage will very quickly pass.

    You MAY ask why ME having to GO through such ordeal. I could GO into such /but now not the time
    HOWEVER I will say in norm / brain development its at a pace where little concern to the individual
    it only with a minority that changes can be intense / frightning / bringing many tears // much cursing
    HOWEVER when through the process then you’ll have capabilites brainwise / others would but envy.

    FINAL ITEM // On pc search put ( words of peace ) on the site you’ll find an large selection of videos
    where Prem Rawat talks of meditation in turning of ones senses inward / thus bringing a unfolding
    of the spiritual self. Understanding of Prem Rawat / will aid through the final stage of change where
    you having an brain that abled understanding far far more / of lifes purpose / your individual journey.

    PS. I must add / you must start gaining more in confidence. Getting out // beating the negative feelings
    in doing so you’ll find you have nought to fear. Its time to start enjoying life / knowing peace in yourself
    a peace that has no bounds. You’ve toiled as planted the seed/ now ENJOY the fruitful harvest it brings.


    • Hello, William Wallace –

      Thank you for your thoughtful and informative response to my post. Are you a doctor/counselor, or someone with personal experience with depression? Either way, I recognized some truths in what you said; HOWEVER, some of what you shared makes me think you have never actually experienced the assault of depression yourself.

      Embracing my depression is no more appealing to me than embracing my chronic illnesses – I acknowledge it and do not hide it from the world as one would hide, say, a venereal disease, hoping the stigma erodes over time. So many people assume that conditions involving the brain are simply personality flaws and are eager to give useless advice as to how to be a “better person”. I have parents and siblings who are fluent in this ignorance, so thank you for stating that there are brain chemicals involved.

      At the end of the day, though, I will sift through advice, criticisms and comments and then filter it all through the fact that none of these people have walked a mile in my shoes. And then, with the help of God, I will continue to work on my own empathy skills in the fervent hope that I won’t ever make others feel as bad as some have made me feel.

      Peace,
      Debi

      P.S. As I mentioned in my post, I am a Christian – albeit one who fails regularly at enjoying, displaying and conveying the love of Christ, but a Christian, Follower of Christ, nonetheless. As such, I could never follow “Prem Rawat”/”Maharaji” or any other mere man. There is only one “Lord or the Universe” and it is not him, regardless of what he may claim. Thanks, anyway.


  2. Hi Debi! Thanks for dropping by the blog :) I replied to your comment but thought I’d drop by yours and repost my reply to you here. What I said was that I thought my mom’s prayer was based on a passage in the bible (I will look it up if you like). I also think my mom learned it from her mom who always said “whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things” — that’s from Philippians 4:8 :) That might help you as much as it helps me :D


  3. Hi, Yelly/Evie…

    I appreciate your coming by and responding to my comment here, where I can see it instantly. I’m sorry I didn’t respond instantly. I guess I have a habit of withdrawing inside myself for periods of time and ignoring most of the world. But, eventually, I always come out :-)

    I am very familiar with Philippians 4:8, but have never heard it portrayed as interestingly as your mother’s prayer. Along with I Corinthians 10:5, which admonishes us to hold every thought captive to Christ, I try to apply these principles to my life (with varying success). James’ comparison of the tongue to a ship’s rudder helps to put things in perspective, too. (3:4)

    Scripture always helps, and reminders are always welcome,
    so thank you :-)
    Debi



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